A hypothetical
Leo DiCaprio as Jack from the Titanic, Jordan Belfort from Wolf of Wall Street, Jay Gatsby from The Great Gatsby, Hugh Glass from the Revenant, and Frank Abignale from Catch Me if You Can are all in a tent telling ghost stories when a bear storms toward them from out of the forest. Which Leo(s) survive(s) the attack?
The answer seems simple at first. Hugh Glass literally slept inside a bear. He’s got this. False. Jordan Belfort is too smart to let someone like that get out of the tent alive. It’s about being faster than one person in the group, not everyone. But Jordan hasn’t sprinted in years — he might be the slowest. Smartly, he snaps Hugh’s neck as Jack opens the tent’s door. Unfortunately for our second richest Leo (Jay Gatsby spends Jordan Belfort money on hors d’oeuvres for his Friday night parties), the rest of the gang is disappointed with Jordan’s lack of loyalty to the Leo community. Jack from Titanic tosses Jordan straight into the bear’s paws where he is devoured like the sack of skittles in a middle school lunch room.
As the three remaining Leos sprint to safety, the bear gnaws on Jordan. Frank, thirsty for adventure as always, taunts the bear. “Catch me if you can,” he hollers at the angry grizzly, referencing his movie’s namesake. And catch him the bear does, his mighty forepaw swatting the head off young Frank’s neck.
Jack and Jay make it to the highway, panting. Jack is faking it, because he is in far better shape and slowed down to make Jay feel better. He knows how to please rich types. As Jay’s driver pulls up, the two are in the clear. There are five seats in the back, after Jay takes shotgun. True to form, however, Jack assumes that there is no room for him in the vehicle, even though there OBVIOUSLY is, and Jay drives off leaving Jack to starve in the forest.